👆These 2 words have been a GAME-CHANGER for me. You see I am a long-time expert at criticizing and judging myself. Pointing out what’s wrong, slamming myself when I make a mistake, harshly questioning why I did what I did or not allowing me to feel what I feel, “should”ing all over myself... I was trapped in the shame spiral.
Then I discovered compassionate curiosity.
Instead of seeing a mistake or flaw as a failure and going on a shame rampage...
- I invited compassion in and treated myself like I do for others - with kindness, patience, empathy.
- knowing that we are all just trying to do the best we can with the resources we’ve got - and sometimes we are really empty.
- That there are no bad parts to me or you, just parts of us that are burdened in pain and trigger (bringing that deep past pain to the surface) or try to protect us from feeling pain. But these protectors are trying to help, even though they can make things worse (protectors like when we slip into control, denial, perfectionism, internal criticizing, addictions, rage, self-harm, numbing, withdrawal, busy etc). At the core, they are just trying to protect us from pain.
- We all have needs and in every moment we are just trying to get our needs met - sometimes in unhelpful ways. But at the core, it’s just an unmet need, that we can actually meet ourselves. Like if we don’t feel seen or heard or valued etc - we can meet ourselves in that need.
- So instead of shame, I began to get curious, to investigate what’s really going on, to notice, to have compassionate awareness.
Like, oh I’m starting to disconnect and shut down, and instead of shaming, get curious with compassion - that’s interesting, I see you pulling away and wanting to disconnect, I’m here with you, what do you need right now? What is this pain or protector trying to tell me? We don’t always have to fix it or even know what’s really going on, sometimes we just sit with ourselves in curiosity and be a safe space. Notice and have compassion.
I’m still learning and growing in having compassionate curiosity. Will you join me?
💜Ruth x
Compassionate Curiosity
